My Eurovision of Everysecondcounts – Part 2

Heute möchte ich ein wenig über den Tellerrand blicken. Denn für den Fall, dass überraschenderweise doch kein europäisches Land die Nummer 2 werden sollte, gibt es noch zahlreiche Bewerber. Und wenn Australien am Eurovision Song Contest teilnehmen durfte, gibt es keinen Grund, Länder, die auf anderen Kontinenten beheimatet sind, von meinem kleinen Eurovision Contest of Everysecondcounts auszuschließen.

Iran before Irak

Einer meiner Favoriten. Verdient Pluspunkte allein schon ob der persischen Opulenz – der Beitrag dauert satte 6 Minuten. Und die Iraner haben viel zu sagen. Wir erfahren, dass sie unter einem ähnlichen Trauma leiden wie die fernen Zwillinge Austria/Australia: manche können sie nicht auseinanderhalten. Denn Hand aufs Herz: weiß wirklich jeder von uns, dass im Irak Araber leben mit – klarerweise – Arabisch als Landessprache, während der Iran von Persern bevölkert wird, die in erster Linie Farsi sprechen? Ob Trump sie verwechseln könnte? Dieser Gefahr wird mit einer grafischen Neuinterpretation des Konzepts „Katze“ vorgebeugt, womit endlich auch das Format everysecondcounts von Cat-Content eingeholt wird. Weiters gewinnen wir überraschende Einblicke in die bizarre Welt iranischer Ingenieurskunst.

Meine Highlights:

Iran-Iraq: Now this can be really confusing. Which one did I already attack? Which one I am going to attack next? And that is what we are really afraid of. That you mix up the names and do something to us by mistake. It has happened in the past and it´s going to happen again. In fact that is how we believe we ended up on the travel ban list. You´re sitting there in the middle of the night typing the executive order on your phone. You write Iraq, your phone says do you mean Iran? Then you´re confused, you write both…  Just in case, better safe than sorry.

You have nothing to worry, really, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to Iran and let me tell you why: This is an Iranian made car. It´s called Pride. It has been in production since 1994. It is not a very good car. It is more likely that you die in a Pride than you get from point A to point B… It is one of the least safe cars in the world. In fact there was a model of Pride which included the safety measure of an airbag. So whenever you would break really hard, the car would notice the danger and the airbag would pop up. However, it was a very tiny car and the airbag was too powerful so the airbag would instead break your neck and kill you. So you would get killed by the safety measure. Now you could die in a Pride without even being in an accident. Impressive… So we have this car in Iran which is death on four wheels – and we call, we literally call it Pride! This is the peak of Iranian engineering. So believe me when I say you have nothing to worry about when it comes to our missiles. It is more likely that the missiles fall on our own heads than that they reach another country.

And as our foregoing minister said, we will only use them defensively. He´s right, we will never use them aggressively – at most we will just do „passive-aggressive“ missile tests.

hier geht´s zum Video

China second

Ein eigenwilliges, etwas dadaistisches Werk. Schnell zusammengefasst: Variationen auf China. Wortwörtlich. Wie formulierten es noch einmal die Schweizer? „… Dada. It´s poetry but it´s also rubbish.“ Damit ist alles gesagt.

hier geht´s zum Video

Morocco second

Ein handwerklich gut gemachtes, kurzweiliges Bewerbungsvideo an Trump, jedoch mit vielen Redundanzen. Es überrascht mit einer eigenwilligen Musikauswahl: Chopin?! Und dann gleich eine Nocturne? Für Marokko?

Es gibt jedoch auch hier sehr witzige Highlights:

We also have the best TV channels in Morocco. Our state TV station even teaches women how to cover up bruises due to domestic violence.

We are happy to introduce you to the best pussy grabber in the world: a singer called Saad Lamjarad. France couldn´t handle his pussy grabbing talent and they jailed him. So sad. He also has an active warrant for his arrest in the US. Can you pardon him? Thanks.

And Mr. President, you gave us shit during the campaign, because our government offered Hillary 12 Million dollars. It wasn´t our fault, believe me. The money was intended to Hilary Duff but a 400 pound hacker rerouted it to crooked Hillary. Please don´t hold that against us.

hier geht´s zum Video

Kazakhstan second

Der Anarchist unter den Bewerbern. Streckenweise miserable Bildqualität, viel Gewalt. Aber irgendwie trotzdem unbekümmert. Und keiner sagt „fuck it“ in einem dermaßen lieblichen Ton, wie der kasachische Sprecher.

Meine Highlights:

Like our president Nursultan Nasarbajew. A handsome man… He is the president since 1990. That´s 27 years. Even if the rules say that the president is allowed to be reelected once after five years. But fuck that. If the president is great – why fire him, right? Putin is also doing that. So it has to be okay.

By the way, our roads are terrible. If you buy a new expensive car, you won´t have the feeling of driving an expensive car. It would still feel like driving a tractor.

We love our black community, because we don´t have one.

hier geht´s zum Video

Second America on Mars?

Sehr witzig. Marsmännchenstimme und nette Gags. Empfehlung.

Meine Highlights:

Then there is Earth. It´s pretty good. Especially because you live there. But there is way too many Mexicans. You know where there is no Mexicans? Mars. Zero. In fact, there are no humans at all. So Donald… you can be the bestest human on Mars. Easy!

Mars has a lot of great storms. Great storms! Ask Matt Damon.

We also have the best year. Much better than Earth´s. Much longer. So you can be president for way longer. Your term is twice as long.

Also the wall you´re going to build. A great wall. No doubt about that. No one will be able to get over it. Or under it. But it still won´t work. We know you don´t know this but we do. Because we are a planet. A great planet. And Earth is a planet. And planets are ROUND. We know. It´s weird. That means the Mexicans can go around the wall… It´s a great plan.  You couldn´t do anything about it Donald. It´s not your fault. We blame those smart Mexicans. Bad people.

hier geht´s zum Video

Mexico second

OK – ich verstehe, die Mexikaner können Trumps Präsidentschaft wenig Witziges abgewinnen. Und ich fühle mit ihnen. Ihr Beitrag ist trotzdem eine Themenverfehlung.

hier geht´s zum Video

India second – but when my parents are around, please just say India is first

Nettes Video, sehr selbstbewusst: traditionelle Musik, zahlreiche Errungenschaften der indischen Kultur & Politik gut in Szene gesetzt.

Meine Highlights:

I don´t have to give you an introduction, because we are everywhere.

British ruled us for a long time, that´s why we are conquering their homes…

Our opposition leader. He is not that dumb. „This morning, I woke up at night.“ Okay. He is dumb.

We banned lot of things including… Maggi, the two minutes noodles, fast to cook, good to eat…

We don´t have a physically challenged politician to make fun of, but we have many mentally challenged politicians.

If you start a big company, we will give you tax breaks. Zero taxes, that´s why we invented zero. Stupid Arab Muslims stole it.

Can we say, America first, India second, but when my parents are around, please just say, India is first.

hier geht´s zum Video

Australia second

Irgendwie lustlos, hat mir nicht gefallen.

hier geht´s zum Video

…und hier geht´s zu den europäischen Beiträgen

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