My Eurovision of Everysecondcounts – Part 1

Achtung, Spoiler!

OK – wir haben nun Trump. Und nicht nur, dass er gewählt wurde, er musste ausgerechnet an meinem Geburtstag in sein Amt eingeführt werden! Total disaster. Aber ich versuche es, mit Obama zu halten: dies ist das Wesen der Demokratie – sie muss einiges aushalten können. Und sie wird auch Trumps Amtsperiode überstehen.

Daher wollen wir nicht alles negativ sehen. Denn die Persönlichkeit Trumps, dieses alternden, etwas aus der Form geratenen, polternden und absolut kritikunfähigen und humorlosen Sozio-Autisten birgt doch zumindest einen Vorteil: sie beflügelt Humoristen. Wie wir´s in den letzten Tagen gesehen haben: auf der ganzen Welt. Somit ist Trump eigentlich zu dem geworden, was er niemals, wirklich NIEMALS sein wollte: zu einem völkerverbindenden Element. Gott bzw. je nach Vorliebe „[das] was  die Welt im Innersten zusammenhält“ liebt eben Ironie.

Ich auch. Und so macht es mir enormen Spaß, die zahlreichen „America first“ Videos anzusehen. Sie verraten so viel Verständnis fürs Wichtige, so viel Ironie und Selbstironie. Selten haben sich Länder in so einer großen Zahl dermaßen intensiv mit ihrer eigenen Vergangenheit, den eigenen Schwächen und Leichen im Keller auseinandergesetzt. Manche der kurzen Filme sind wahre Perlen. Andere wiederum etwas schwächer – aber jeder verbirgt zumindest einige Höhepunkte. Diese wollte ich in meinem Blog sammeln, quasi als Management Summary für all Jene, die nicht die Zeit haben, sich durch das youtube-Labyrinth durchzuwühlen. Viel Spaß!

Netherlands Second

DAS Original. Somit Format-Erfinder und Ideengeber für alle anderen Videos. Perfekter Ton, perfekter Duktus, gutes Tempo, coole Bilder.

Meine Highlights:

We built an entire ocean between us and Mexico. This ocean, it is so big, you can even see it from the moon.

You´ve got the Trump Towers, we´ve got Lee Towers. He would love to sing at your inauguration. Amazing voice. Gotta love him.

And the squares, they´re so small, you don´t even need many people to fill them. It´s great.

We´ve got the best tax evasion system God ever created… You should tell your sons, they should put all your, sorry „their“ businesses here. You´ll pay no taxes at all. Zero. It´s ridiculous.

We also have a disabled politician for you to make fun of… She is from the Ministry of Silly Walks. You´ll do a great impersonation of her.

If you screw NATO, you´re gonna make our problems great again. They´re gonna be huge.

hier geht´s zum Video

Weitere Videos folgten bald – zum Teil in Dialog miteinander, indem sie auf kleinere sportliche nachbarschaftliche Fouls eingingen. Ich werde jetzt aber die wiederkehrenden Elemente nur jeweils einmal aufnehmen, damit die Zusammenfassung nicht zu redundant wird.

Germany Second

Sehr gut gemacht, mit einem perfekten Gefühl für Trumps Tonalität und Vokabular.

Meine Highlights:

But the Dutch are dangerous: totally destroyed the hair of Rudi Völler, a total disaster.

Germany hast a great history, it´s true. We have the best history in the world. Great politicians, great leader, so smart, great hair, great suit, look at his suit, he made Germany great again. The media totally loved him, wrote only nice things about him, great guy, total winner, his book: a bestseller, it´s true. Steve Bannon absolutely loves him.

Germany hosted 2 World Wars in the last onehundred years. They were the best World Wars in the World. And we won both of  them! Bigly! Anyone who says anything else, is fake news.

And – we built a great German Wall. Just built it. And we made the Russians pay for it! It´s true. People were literally dying for the Wall… We actually cried when after 28 years the wall got torn down by David Hasselhoff, who, by the way, is one of the least overrated actors in the world. It´s a fact. And – he has a talking car. Absolutely fantastic.

And by the way: when you push the red button, to destroy Germany with nuclear weapons, this is how Germany looks like on the map (showing Italy).

hier geht´s zum Video

Switzerland Second

Finde ich auch ganz toll. Trifft perfekt das Donald-Feeling und kokettiert zusätzlich mit der Erotik-Karte. „We are not flat like for example the Netherlands.“  Die musikalische Untermalung ist besonders gelungen.

Meine Highlights:

And we also love to treat our women badly. Love it. We didn´t let them vote until 1971. In some places even until 1990. We grabbed them by the civil rights.

We have the best flag. It´s a huge plus. You might know it, your friends [the KKK] got their flag from us.

You don´t like the EU? We hate it too! That´s why we invented Brexit.

We love Russia. That´s why we built Saint Moritz. It´s a city just for Russians.

This is DJ Bobo. He is our best rapper. Much better than Kanye. And he´s white.

America has Jazz. Switzerland has Jass. As a tribute to you, Jass has a Trump Card. We call it Trumpf. It´s the best card. Believe me.

We heard you want to get rid of Obamacare – Why not replace it with „Exit“? It´s this organisation we have. It´s great. If you´re old and sick, they come and kill you.

We don´t even want your money. We already have it. We keep it safe. We make sure nothing bad happens to it. Because that would be sad, right? So sad…

hier geht´s zum Video

Portugal Second

Mein Geheimfavorit: stimmige historische Musik, tiefgründige Aufbereitung. Irgendwie scheinen jedoch die Portugiesen das Konzept „Schleimen“ nicht ganz verstanden zu haben. Das Video ist so aufmüpfig, so wird´s nichts mit „Portugal Second…“

Dafür gibt es zahlreiche Highlights:

60% of Americans think that Portugal is a province of Spain. They probably voted for you.

Today, we are European Champions in football. That´s right. The real football. Not soccer. Your football is fake. The rest of the world loves a sport played with the feet. You toss a brown egg around with your hands and call it Football. It´s a fraud. I guess the helmets you use didn´t prevent severe brain damage. Oh and yeah: we don´t use helmets. „Cause we´re not pussies.“

We even have a word – saudade – that does not translate in any language. But we can assure you that Saudade is something that billions of people are feeling, right now, about Barack Obama.

We abolished slavery in 1751 – more than one hundred years before the United States. Deal with it… And consider doing the same in your companies… Well, „your son´s“ companies…

Our national song is called fado. Amalia was our biggest diva, okay, singing heart-brokenly about pain, suffering and abuse. We´ll send some CD´s over to Melania. She´ll love it.

hier geht´s zum Video

Belgium Second

Für mich nicht ganz in der Top-Liga: der Sprecher ist nicht ganz trumpy und einige Gags sind etwas zu seicht. Dafür nette Grafiken zu beginn. Einen Pluspunkt gibt es für die Einführung eines neuen Features: Belgium will nicht zweiter sein. Der 10. Platz reicht auch… whatever:

Mein Highlight:

A while ago you called our capital, Brussels a hellhole…. It is true. Brussels is a huge hellhole. But the rest of Belgium is great. It´s truly great, believe me. Except for the French speaking part of course. We hate them. They´re like, they´re the Mexicans of Belgium. We also hate the German speaking part of Belgium. Because they´re like the Germans of Belgium.

hier geht´s zum Video

Lithuania Third

Der Sprecher trifft nicht ganz Trumps Ton und es gibt einige seichte, redundante Sprüche aber dann auch wieder überraschend viele

Highlights:

One of our founding fathers was Vytautas the Great. He totally destroyed those nasty Germans. He did it before it was trendy to destroy nasty Germans.

Later we destroyed that nasty Soviet Union. We´ve destroyed it by building a wall. A wall of people. We even put some Latvians and Estonians into the wall. It was a real human wall, called „The Baltic Way“. It was the Best Wall. Enormous.

That doesn´t mean we don´t have walls now. We have Ten Walls – he is the best electronic DJ in the world… He is also the best homophobe. You´d love him!

Also Hannibal Lector was Lithuanian. Terrific guy. Great table manners.

As tough as our President is – she´s a woman. It´s ridiculous! She won an election against male candidates. Twice. A total disgrace! She probably rigged the election. Still be careful –  she has a black belt in karate. And her name is Grybauskaite. No, not a Grab-her-skirt, Grybauskaite.

We were the first European nation to impeach our President. Because he was too friendly with Russia. Really friendly guy! It was unprecedented. The impeachment was huge. Good TV ratings. Tremendous ratings. But bad for business. Come to Lithuania and we´ll tell you how to avoid it.

hier geht´s zum Video

France Second

Sehr selbstbewusst, kümmert sich nicht um die Nachahmung von Trump´s Aussprache. HD Bilder, ausführliche geschichtliche Übersicht, abwechslungsreiche Musikauswahl.

Meine Highlights:

We´ve built our greatest wall after WW1 to protect us from the Germans. We called it „Ligne Maginot“. It was so effective that we had to call you to rescue us in order to win the WW2.

We also have the best crooked politicians… Our last one managed to steal over a million euros just by employing his wife and sons to do nothing. You should do the same with Melania and your sons too.

Plus we almost elected a real perv like you in 2012, but he got caught, what a loser, big deception, definitely not as great as you.

You have the Trump tower, we have the Eiffel tower, it is great, best tower in France. It looks like an erect penis in the middle of Paris, you´ll love it. We love you so much that we gave you the Statue of Liberty. It is a great statue of a sexy woman, perhaps you have seen it already, otherwise you should go and visit it, totally worth it.

hier geht´s zum Video

Italy Second

Verspielt, redundant und leichtfüßig, ohne viel intellektuellen Tiefgang, dafür mit schöner Musik und einem ausführlichen Wetterbericht. Ein Pluspunkt für den Einsatz eines Pantonefächers.

Meine Highlights:

… our sun is so big that you won´t even need to spend all that money to look orange, spectacular orange Mr. President.

And if you want to push the red button to destroy Italy, think about it: we are sure you have some cousins here – we have cousins everywhere. Point on France – they look so gay.

hier geht´s zum Video

…und hier geht´s zur Fortsetzung